Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
