FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
