First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
