Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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