I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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