I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
