dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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