who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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