i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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