I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
