so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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