nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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