it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
