I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
