I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
