You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
