he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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