you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
