Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
