God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize
