I hope mine doesn't look like that
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
