I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
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