i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
