Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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