i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
