I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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