i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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