She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
