can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
