I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
