you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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