Umm I'm too high to move.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He shit in the fireplace
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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