Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
