i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
