I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
