I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
