I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
3pm strippers are depressing
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
