Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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