If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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