is your mom at the bar?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
you never un-have a 4some
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
