I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
