so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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