She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
