The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
