Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
