it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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