I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
