i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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