My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
