why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
