My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
