it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
