I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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